I’m spending Christmas alone this year.
If you don’t know me that well, you might think that’s the saddest thing ever. But if you do know me, you’ll know this: It’s what I want.
I know it’s strange. I know it’s not what we’re “supposed” to do. We’re supposed to be with family and friends. We’re supposed to buy presents and decorate our homes with lights and shiny things that represent joy and love. But for me, joy means being comfortable with myself. Joy means being alone this year — and being fine with it. Love? Well, I love a lot of things. I love my family and friends. I’m going on a trip with my mom in 13 days, and last week I was lucky enough to hang out with two of my closest gal pals. I’m learning to love my life, and I think a solo trip over the holidays will only teach me to love myself even more. I like hiking. I love pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I love trees, mountains, fog and snow. I love laughing until I cry. I love crying over sad plot points in movies, because it reminds me that I really am a sensitive being. I love massages, New Zealand sauv blanc, cozy socks, cream cheese frosting and um, do you want me to keep going? Like I said, I love lots of things. Call me crazy, but I think I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now, and this is just how I want to kick off 2017.
2016 was not easy for me. It was almost as bad as 2013, which was the year I thought I wanted to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and drag the entire world with me. On top of the nasty medical scare I had over the summer, I’ve also been pretty frustrated with work. I’ve been doubting myself a lot lately and I don’t know what career path I’m on right now, which for my type A personality, is fucking agony. Every once in a while (read: a few times a week) I scratch my head and wonder if going freelance was the right choice. What if I don’t “make it”? What if I’m not actually talented at all? What if this is just a fast track pass straight to the fail lane of life? Oh, and I haven’t been in love in um, a while. I mean, I could be, but I’m also getting better at figuring out when it’s there with someone. And as of right now, it’s definitely not.
So, I’m in a weird place in life. I feel like I should be depressed, but I’m just going with it. I’m staying busy and I am seeing where this road takes me. Right now I don’t really feel the strong desire to be around people. Maybe next week that will all change. But right now, I want to blast music, sleep in, go for some solo snowshoe treks around Crater Lake and see a glittery dusting of ice crystals all over the forest. I want to wander, I want to be in charge and I don’t want to worry about tomorrow. I want to breathe. And I when I exhale, I want it to be a satisfied sigh, rather than one of exasperation and exhaustion.
I’m currently in a cabin in Crater Lake sitting next to the fireplace. I just polished off a pack of cookies that I bought in Mexico last week, it’s supposed to start dumping snow on Friday, and the sweet folks at Jo’s Motel lent me a pair of snowshoes, so…GAME ON.